Birds Do It; Bees Do It
Posted by Heather MacAllister in Heather MacAllister, tags: gardening, Heather MacAllister, squash sex, vegetables
Squash Plants
“Do you have any bees?” she asked.
“What? No.”
“Then you’ll have to help your squash have sex.”
Okay. These are not words I expect to hear from my mother. However, as is usually the case, she is right. By the way, do not Google “squash sex.” The results are not helpful.
The male is on the left, female on the right
The female is to the left, with the bulge, the male is the little skinny stemmed blossom to the right.
Outside, I stare at the garden and figure out that there are a lot more females than males, which must be some kind of male squash fantasy. I can see the little squash babies all ready to grow, and know that if I can’t get the males to man up, the unfertilized babies will shrivel and die.
I shall not fail you, my squash sisters.
Early the next morning, I go to the garden with my paintbrush and perform intimate acts with strange squash blossoms. I match make. No kinky brother/sister stuff. And I check all the males—are they strong and handsome? Reliable? Employed? Does their pollen deserve to live on? I am emotionally invested in the lives of the squash.
First squash!
For three days, I run a squash bordello. On the fourth, I interrupted a bee. I was so startled, I actually apologized to it.
Now, the bees have taken over, and a couple of days after that, the first squash, hand-pollinated by me, were born. They tasted great.
So . . . who read this and Googled “squash sex?”
Entries (RSS)
ROTFL — especially on the bee. I already knew about vegetation sex, as I have been researching the same for the fruit trees we just planted. Apparently, though, apple trees in particular are kind of slutty — I didn’t have to do anything special except plant a partner tree, though I read that any similar tree within fifty yards will do (even lowly crabapples… the jokes are obvious, let’s not go there… LOL).
We have so many plants and wildlife, it’s like something is always having sex in our yard. We’ve had a recent influx of Box Elder bugs (harmless but horny — I rarely see a single, they are always running around two glued together…).
How fun to meet another Blaze gardener! I did a blog on yard work the other day on Cigars because our yard (which is turning into more of an urban farm, I think) demands so much of it. Fun, though. And a good workout. Nothing like playing in the dirt.
Sam
Sam, you do realize that I will never again see apples without thinking, “You slutty things!”
Hey, I listened to you…I did not Google squash sex and I can only imagine what would come up if I did. No interest.
But, other than that, this post was too cute! Employed male squash? Squash fantasies? Squash sisters? LMAO!! I needed that this morning!!
I have to ask though…how’d you know which was male and female and what exactly did you have to do? Just transfer pollen on your brush?
I know nothing about gardening.
Thanks, Sally!
I Googled squash blossoms looking for recipes and that’s when I saw pictures showing the difference. I still haven’t cooked any. As for pollinating, I brushed a little paint brush in the center of the male until I could see the yellow pollen, and then brushed the center thingies on the female. And, you know, I tried to make it good for them.
Hysterical post, Heather.
Only a true Blaze babe could make squash sexy!
Aw, shucks.
DYING laughing here! That is one of the best blog posts I have ever read!! Squash bordello? OMG, I so needed this post this morning. Thanks!
Thanks!
You’re a squash pimp! Who’d have thought it?
Make your mother proud!
And no, I didn’t google squash sex either…too kinky…your post was arousing enough.
Bonnie
I laughed so hard, my children came to check on me
! Still laughing . . I did not Google . . wait I can’t stand it . . I’m googling “Google Images” Oh my word ! LOL, but I did see a baby squash !!! I suppose I knew, we learned that at school, but never quite thought about it around the squash I used too grow, never even thought there would be no “baby squash” *G* but then I suppose there were bees (didn’t think to look for them either LOL)
Loved,loved the post Heather
!
Samantha ?! “vegetation sex” *G* slutty apple trees ??? ROFL ….
Oh u 2 ladies made my day
!!
Squash pimp, LOL!
And thanks, Petro!
This would actually explain why I haven’t gotten any squash…lots of blossoms… but not squash.
Thanks Heather!
And you call yourself an Aggie?!? Although I suppose it’s Agricultural AND Mechanical. Check if you’ve got females. This morning, I saw about 12 males looking for action and not one female blossom. They’re all probably thinking, “Yeah, it’s all fun and games for you, but I’ve got to raise the kid.”
Very educational and yet hysterically funny post! I’m not sure if I really wanted to know how slutty vegetation can be
I didn’t Google either. I’m at work!
Heather — hilarious! I never stopped to think about how vegetables could propigate without the surrogate services of a bee–or a writer! You explained it admirably!
I was surprised, too. I mean, the beans and tomatoes aren’t asking for help.
Who could go googling when I was to busy giggling. Your post was hysterical! And what’s even funnier is I bought squash plants yesterday to plant in my garden! Lordy, I didn’t know I was going to have to get an OB/GYN degree to grow vegetables!
Hope the cops don’t come and arrest all of us for running a ring of gardens of ill repute.
BTW- Rhonda Nelson has a wonderful recipe for squash casserole.
DOES she? Rhondaaaaa . . .
We have had gardens my entire life, and I’ve never heard about squash sex. I’ll have to let my dad know if the bees aren’t coming out to the garden, he needs to be the squash pimp so I we will have squash for the summer and fall. Thanks for the tip Heather.
This is way more than I ever wanted to know about making squash grow. *g* But I don’t like squash anyway, so it’s probably just as well.
I didn’t like it either, but this stuff is pretty good.
Oh, darling daughter mine. I did not know squash sex could be so much fun. You are too funny. Thanks for making my day. xxxooo
I think you’re the first Blaze Mom to comment!
This has to be the most enjoyment I’ve ever gotten from squash! Thanks for the laugh.
Actually, I confess. I grew up eating tons of “squash fritters” (Mom was a bigtime gardener). They’re pretty tasty, too.
Battered and fried? Sounds like a plan.
Having been raised on a farm, it appears there were tasks my mother took over, without forcing me to participate. Assisting in squash sex appears to be one of those tasks of which I remained blissfully unaware. I am grateful to my mom for shielding my innocent eyes.
Heather, you provided me with a much needed laugh with a well-written post. Thank you for that.
Cucumber joke…must…not…go…there.
No, you must not.
I’m resisting the temptation to google. This post, and the image of you servicing your squash is plenty of entertainment for one day.
And my grandma just called it pollinating!
Too funny, Madame Heather! Thanks to you, I just spewed coffee all over the laptop keyboard. Love it!
We’ve planted a garden nearly every year of the past twenty (Tony’s a tomato freak). I don’t think I’ll look at the patch of earth — or a bee — in the same way again.
Blaze Mom! Welcome!
xoxo
Lori
I’m watching the tomatoes. They get those horrible worms that make noise at you. When that happens, the squash will have to fend for themselves because I’m done for the season!
OK, I’ll admit it. I Googled Squash Sex.
mg, I was litterall laughing out loud. This is the cutest post, Heather!
TOO funny. Thank you for making me laugh out loud today! And over squash!
I didn’t goggle because I can just imagine what would come up, but loved your post Heather! I’m never going to look at gardening the same way again.
Thanks, Nicole and Jillian.
What about watermelons? And peas? And lettuce? Do all kinds of veggies have sex?
Inquiring minds want to know!
I have been an organic gardener for about 35 years. Yes, you can help your squash and I just take the male flower, pick it and shake it over the female. Sounds kind of slutty, I guess. But, if you plant your squash next to a pumpkin – you get something that is bigger than a squash but is inedible. And I help my corn polinate – they self polinate, but I take the little blooms off the silks at the top (the powder) and sprinkle it on other silks of the corn, and voila! No uneven rows or half grown corn! My favorite corn is Ruby Red. Cherries are usually specific to certain species. You’re right, apples will cross with another apple and they don’t care about anything! Apricots like their own, pears have polinizers. Some plums are pretty slutty too. Yes, I polinate my watermelon too. Ahem….and my cucumbers too – especially the long ones we grow on vines. Peas, beans, lettuce – they do their own thing pretty darn good! But my favorite story is about my 55# cauliflower. Check out Tiny Lights.com for the story. Love this post, can you tell?
Sharon, I went to tiny-lights dot com to read about the giant cauliflower, but how do I find the story?
Sorry – “What writing means” is the subject of the memoir for this month, and that is my story. Sorry not to have made it so clear. Hope you enjoy it.
Sharon
Heather: I loved it. Two and a half years ago I got the pleasure of going to a farm some where down south of here and purchased a baby tree from a tree farm in that all the trees had been grafted male and female together. I was so impressed that someone know how to make a hermaphodite tree. But after my purchase and following his instructions I had blooms this year. That means next year I will have tiny little mandarin/lime oranges that from this tree. Incredible huh? I didn’t know until then that plants had to have sex to have babies. Duhhh…just never thought about it. Hopefully the fruit coming from this tree will have the size of their father (mandarin), with the tanginess of their mother (lime). Grin.
Your post made me laugh. Thanks for sharing with us.
Who would have thought of such a thing? I’ll be rooting for fruit!
See the little lime?
Pass that lime this way. After reading what I wrote I NEED that lime. Grin.
I didn’t know anyone so thrilled by the arrival of bees as you. They are helpful with plants. Certain bees make honey and that section has exponentially expanded at the grocery store. My kids went on a farm field trip in elementary school and saw beehives and the garb the beekeeper wears to keep from being stung.
Well, that’s because the mosquitoes are killer down here and I’d become breakfast.
You know, I’ve been rooming with Heather at conference for fifteen years, and you think you know a person …
Christina Dodd
Gotta keep some mystery in the relationship.
I can see you doing this and hear your editorializing. bwahaha! Wish I’d been there. We really must find you another hobby!
Those are some very pretty squash. Please tell me you are working squash sex into a book somewhere!
In case you don’t know (I haven’t read all the comments yet) you have totally skewed the results for squash sex on google.
This post is result #5.
You’ll be pleased that sexy squash players are still result number 1 though