The super-alpha guy…demanding, strong-willed, a bit of a jerk…in romance novels, I don’t mind him. Especially since I know there’s an equally strong-willed, sassy heroine ready to tame the hell out of the guy. But in real life? I’m not crazy about the jerks. And I know from personal experience that most of them can’t be tamed–they only act like bigger jerks if you try!
So, the actual topic of today’s blog–what to do when a friend of yours is dating The Jerk. I’m going through that right now, with a friend I’ve known for 20 years. Even when our lives took us in separate directions, we always managed to stay close and keep in touch–until The Jerk. Long story short, the guy hates me, and the feeling is mutual. His reason for hating me is probably the dumbest one on the planet (too long and exasperating a story to even tackle here). My reason for hating him? He’s mean, rude, talks down to my friend, belittles her and her friends in public, and a million other ass-ish things he does.
Needless to say, this has put a strain on my friendship. In fact, I rarely speak to that friend anymore, which sucks because I honestly do miss her. But I’m not the kind of person who can sit quiet when I see someone hurting someone I care about, and I can’t pretend to like the guy when I’m with her. Not trying to be Lauren Conrad here or anything, but my friend and her Jerk really are the Spenser and Heidi of my life LOL!
Anyway, I’m not sure what to do about this. If this was a book, I’d simply write the jerk out of the story, bring in a decent hero for my friend and have them live happily ever after. But of course, real life isn’t so simple. They’ve been together for 2 years now, and at the beginning I really tried making an effort to be civil, and eventually my friend and I started doing stuff without him (and trying not to talk about him). Now, we’ve drifted apart, and I haven’t seen or spoken to her in months.
So, any suggestions? Do I try to get the friendship back? Suck it up and act like the Jerk isn’t a jerk? Pretend to care about their relationship when my friend and I are talking?
And out of curiosity, has anyone ever been in a situation like this before? Ever totally loathed a friend’s boyfriend/husband/partner?
Entries (RSS)
Elle, I’m sorry. I really am because yes, I did go through that. Fast forward 20 years (I can barely even think about it) and he dumped her for younger, blonder, thinner after first bankrupting (on paper) their company and leaving her with three kids to raise. I was civil to him (he insulted my books to my face) and maintained my friendship with her when I could.
Keep doing things together without him and listen without comment when she unloads.
Oh yeah, been there done that. I had a friend who dated a guy for about 7 years. Everyone hated him.. all her friends, all her relatives, but she just didn’t get it. I came to a point where I said I could only spend time with her if he wasn’t around. I even knew he was cheating on her, though she didn’t believe it. Well, they got engaged and a few months later he asked for the ring because he was going to take it to be cleaned. Alarms and sirens should have been going off for her. He sold the ring or pawned it and took the money to have some weekend fling with a woman he’d met online. That finally ended the relationship but so much distance had grown between us that we never were back to what we were before him.
OMG, he sounds awful. And why are people so blind when they’re in love? If one person in my life doesn’t like my boyfriend, I’ll take their opinion with a grain of salt. But if EVERYONE hates him, I’d take that as a sign that maybe he’s not so great… I’m glad your friend ended it with him, but it sucks that your friendship was a casualty.
Been there. Done that. No longer friends. I’m all about letting people live their own lives and make their own decisions. If said friend feels its okay to be with (and marry) said jerk…. that’s fine. But when the friendship came with strings expecting me to *have* to deal with him, do things with him, have dinner with him, etc, etc, because they were together? I drew the line. And when she was dumb enough to repeat the things he said about my mother (who was very nice to him during said social event) that was it.
I went to their wedding, stayed an appropriate amount of time, even bought them a gift. They went off to their honeymoon…. I heard from her once some 6 months later… and that was it.
Oh gosh, I hope my friend doesn’t marry the guy. I’d probably throw up at their wedding. It seems like a lot of you have gone through this before, and lost friends because of it. But all this advice is great.
That’s a difficult situation; I go along with Heather. If it were me, I’d speak with her, saying that you just don’t like this guy & don’t want to spend time with him, but, do want to spend time with her, just not discussing her boyfriend. You’re probably going to end up with the current situation, but, she’ll know the exact reason for any break, &, if/when she no longer sees him, she can ask if you both can work to repair the friendship. I know lots would say, just let it go, but, to me, friendships are few & far between, & if you can do anything to keep it/get it back, I’d do it.
I WAS that friend. I lost a good friend over my thinking my love could change my Jerk. My jerk was abusive. If this friend’s Jerk is belittling her in public, you can bet he’s doing it in private too. That’s emotional abuse. And most emotional abusers eventually get physically abusive. Is there any way you can give her a list of traits of abusers? Maybe sneak it into her purse or send an email he won’t see? Then tell her you only warn her because you love her and you’ll be there for her if she needs to get away from him? Because she will someday.
I’m so sorry you got caught up with the Jerk, Juliet! That sucks. But at least you smartened up and are no longer with him, so you should feel good about that. As for my friend, I’ve told her before that I think he’s emotionally abusive. Not to be awful, but this guy is the type who goes down in the yearbook as “most likely to beat his wife”. But she doesn’t see it. She thinks he’s just very “outspoken.” Jeez.
Just to chime in–maybe if you could find some sort of objective checklist of what abuse can look/feel like (there was a good article in one of those women’s magazines recently–LHJ? GH? If I can find it, I’ll e-mail you), that might be more effective. It’s one thing to hear from your friend that she believes your guy’s abusive (you can dismiss it as her opinion) but it’s another to see a list and say, “hey, I do get yelled at/blamed for things I have no control over all the time… that could be me…”
And I don’t really have other advice than what other commenters have suggested–best wishes on letting your friend know you still care for her, but don’t necessarily enjoy her jerk.
Oh, Elle, here’s a link to the article I was thinking of:
http://www.redbookmag.com/love-sex/advice/verbal-abuse-violence?click=main_sr
The last couple pages have some “what this looks like,” “what this feels like” type lists that might be helpful.
Again, hugs to you and your friend!