What is a Healthy Level of Paranoia?
Posted by Dawn Atkins in Dawn Atkins, tags: attack, danger, personal safety
How paranois are you?
If you’ve ever wondered how apparently sensible women get victimized by strangers they allow in their homes or near their cars–assaulted, mugged, robbed at gunpoint–here’s a personal story that might offer some insight–or make me look like an idiot.
First off, you need to know that I’m not a stupid or foolish person. I don’t take unnecessary risks. When I walk across a dark parking lot, I keep my keys between my knuckles and stay alert. I lock my car door as soon as I get inside. If a situation feels iffy, I leave. I’ve even been to a self-defense workshop. I know that if an attacker points a gun at me and tells me to get in his car, I’m far safer running away. The chances he’ll even hit me are much lower than my chances of being hurt or killed once I climb into his car.
That said, here’s the story. One evening, I was alone in our house in our very safe neighborhood and there was a knock at the door.
Thinking my son had left without his house key, I headed for the door in my thick terrycloth robe. Our front door has windows on either side, so callers can see you standing there.
At the door was a man I didn’t recognize. He waved in a friendly way, said something I couldn’t hear.
Now what? Do I open the door or back away, behaving as if I think he’s a serial killer. He was likely one of my husband’s cyclist friends here to pick up a logo jersey my husband had ordered for the people in his club. How embarrassing if I treated him like an axe murderer, right?
Just before I opened the door, I looked him over and concluded, “I can take him.” He was short and thin and I’m physically fit. Can you believe that?
He did turn out to be a bicycle buddy, but my husband was horrified when I told him what I’d done. It sounded really bad, even to me.
Tell me you can understand how this happened, please.
I got the vibe this guy was harmless, so I opened the door–just a little ways, of course, thinking I could slam it if something was off.
But I can see dozens of scenarios where robbers or rapists or murderers could seem just as harmless and friendly, asking to use the phone or for help lifting something into their van or for directions. Ted Bundy used a cane to solicit help from sympathetic females, after all.
My point is that we’re all vulnerable to attack in some way. My inclination is to trust my instincts, to not expect the worst of people. I’m not sure I want to live in a world where I won’t answer the door unless I’ve seen photo ID and run a security check on my caller.
On the other hand, you can’t be too careful, right?
What are your thoughts on safety precautions and paranoia? Any experiences similar to mine?
I’ve since concluded that next time I’ll yell through the door (almost impossible to hear, by the way) and not open unless I like what I manage to hear, no matter how embarrassing it is to turn away our new neighbor wanting to get to know the people next door.
Best,
Dawn Atkins
www.dawnatkins.com
HOME FOR CHRISTMAS, HQ SuperRomance, 22/10
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I don’t think you can be too careful any more. My daughter stopped yesterday to see if a woman needed help when her car broke down and I about had a fit. Yes, it’s nice to help someone in trouble but, she could have had a mass murderer hiding in the back seat. Yes, I guess I am a little paranoid.
Linda Henderson
Hi Dawn, I am like you. I want to think the best of people, and I am usually one to stop and help. I trust my instincts, and they haven’t steered me wrong yet. If I was home alone and someone rings my doorbell, I generally stay away from the door, and yell “Who is it?” If they answer too low, I don’t go to the door…I usually call my neighbor and ask them to check out the person at my door for me. I live in a safe neigborhood, but my NYC upbringing is still ingrained in me when it comes to talking to strangers and opening my door…some of the people I workwith laugh at me because the area is so safe…I just go with the mentality that “you never know…” I think that you actions were perfectly rational, but I probably would have called my hubby to see if he really knew that person…have a question…
Have you ever wondered what you would do on a dark night, when driving on the highway, and you get flashed by a cop to pull over? I always wonder what I would do in a situation like that…would I stop and pull over, call the police, drive to the nearest gas station or stop at the next State Trooper barracks…really, I am a sane and rational person, but that thought always pops into my mind when I am driving home from long trips…love the topic for today…
Peace and love,
Paula R.
I’d pull over if it’s a marked cop car, but I wouldn’t open the window all the way if I was alone. Surely they could appreciate that caution? Not that they couldn’t shoot you through a window, of course.
I try to be careful, but I do open my front door to strangers. If I’m home alone, I don’t open the door at night. It’s definitely tricky. You don’t want to close yourself off to the world, but you want to be safe too.
You make a valid point about not putting the window all the way down, but as you stated, they can shoot you through the window too. I just get really nervous when I am driving a long stretch of highway after midnight or close to it, and I feel like I am the only car on the road. I try not to be too skeptical and paranoid, but I still feel vulnerable. I was in the Army for 10 years and I still feel “weak” whenever I am home alone and someone rings my doorbell. I am extra cautious when I go to the car at night too…you know what? I feel much safer in Brooklyn NYC, than I do walking in my safe neighborhood, and I have lived here for 10 years…I think that the fact that things shut down so early, makes me feel as if no one is around, whereas in the city, there is always the subway station or a corner store open late…
Thanks for your response Joanne. I would love to hear what others think about this scenario too.
Peace and love,
Paula R.
It’s hard nowadays to know who trust and who not. When I’m home alone I don’t answer the door unless I know who it is. I’m taking no chances, if it’s important they can come back or call. I live out in the country, neighbors are close, but still I wouldn’t feel safe. When I’m in the parking lot I’m always alert, learned some good tips in my college course I took.
I let my dogs answer the door to anyone I don’t know or suspect — all 180 lbs of them.
I don’t usually even have to open it for them to back off and go away.
I do try to be careful, but I think careful is good, paranoid probably isn’t. You do everything you can reasonably do, but you can still be caught off guard. I was shopping at a local store a month or so ago, and saw a young man who looked a bit shady. I didn’t see him do anything, but kind of knew he was there to rip the place off. When I checked out, I saw him at the entrance, and didn’t think much of it — in fact, thought I had been mistaken about him. I walked out, and heard the alarms go off right behind me — so he obviously had been taking something. I kept walking, assuming the store clerks would nab him.
Wrong. I didn’t realize my error until I was going to open my car, and he was walking between the cars directly at me. I absolutely froze, at first thinking he had followed me out and I was going to be mugged, or even that he might take my car. I backed up as quickly as possible out from between the cars, and he kept walking, even said “sorry” as he passed.
I got in and locked the doors, realizing too late that he had used me as “cover” to get out of the store — since he wasn’t white, and I am, I believe he cleverly, and rightly, figured that if he waited and went out the doors at the same time as a white shopper, they would have to stop both of us, or be accused of racism — so they stopped neither of us. Then he simply ducked between the cars to escape.
I kicked myself all the way home, realizing I should *never* have kept walking without keeping him in my sights once I heard that alarm go off. It was a mistake to have him behind me. I’ll never make that mistake again — but I also won’t be paranoid every time I walk out of a store, either. I guess it’s a balance.
Sam
Sam, I would probably let my dogs answer the door too. I think that I would do the same thing you did, go outside to see what is going on. I work at a boarding school, and I remember one night we got a call about locking the dorm down. A known pedophile was trolling the campus, so they wanted to make sure there was no visiting between dorms that night. I did what I had to do, but my kids were very vigilant and they saw a man walking around campus, seemingly peering into first floor windows. Of course, they were nervous and they came and told me. I went out there with a baseball bat…very crazy in retrospect. Thankfully, it was one of the faculty members walking his puppy. I didn’t even think about what I was doing. I think that sometimes we react without thinking depending on the circumstances at the time. I got yelled at for going out there, because now, there were two “suspicious characters” walking around outside after the state troopers said to lock down…I am just glad that I didn’t have to use that bat, which I probably would have.
Peace and love,
Paula R.
I hate feeling that way. I don’t like opening the front door to anybody. We’ve had home invasions in our area.
My aunt had a similar experience at her front door and she ended up having a very nifty device installed the next week. They place a small optic eye at your front door that connects to a wall-mounted telephone that is placed somewhere away from the door (in her case in a back hallway). The phone has a display screen on it. The doorbell rings and you can go to the screen and press a button so you can see who is standing there (it just activates the video screen). The telephone receiver is only used to speak to the person via the intercom. She never has to open the door or go anywhere near the door to speak to the person. It doesn’t tie up her phone line so she can say, “Get off my porch or I’m calling the police.” Or, assuming she simply doesn’t like what she sees at all, she doesn’t even have to say a word.
I thought it was a very clever system and extremely smart that you don’t have to be anywhere near the door to make it work.
Julie
Julie, I really like the idea of a video screen and phone set up. If I had a home, I would definitely install as system like that. I would also try to have the phone connected to the police too, with the touch of a button, just in case they were needed. Maybe they should make alarm systems with that set up, so that we can call fire, police and ambulance, if needed.
Peace and love,
Paula R.
You guys have fascinating answers to my question and cool ideas about personal safety. I’m glad I’m not alone in my confusion about how safe to feel in the world. I guess the moral of the story for me–my take-away, as it were–was the idea that I’d better not feel smug when I hear about attacks and think *I* would never be fooled, tricked or caught off guard like that poor person.
On the other hand, experts in survival (those who study people who survive hardships or crises or health issues) say one way to improve your chances is to think through scenarios and plan your behaviors, rehearsing them in your mind. Like, “the exit row is five seats behind me” since in a plane crash, smoke makes it impossible to see and loves have been lost when people don’t reach the exit in the few seconds left of good air.
Hmm, a cheery thought , huh?
Dawn
After a series of rapes occurred in our town a few years ago, I’m extra careful about not even opening my garage door to leave until I’m IN the van witht he doors locked. I don’t answer the door unless I check the peephole and KNOW the person–also cuts down on solicitors taking up my time-but then I went and did somehting really stupid a few months back.
Y’all are prob sick of hearing about my trouble with my teenage daughter but the last couple years have been rough. I think I’ve gone alittle wacko in the head due to emotional stress. Anyway, I’m a night owl and stay up late to write because it’s the only quiet time at my house in the summer, and one night (morning) about 3 or so the dog started barking like crazy. My dog NEVER barks. Except one time several years ago when some kids must have stolen our kids bikes off the front porch and all I did was tell my dog to be quiet for fear she’d wake up the hubby. So, this time, I vowed I’d catch them in the act. I went to the door –in my nightgown–threw it open and ran outside. Some creepy guy darted across the lawn and down the street. It was then I realized how STUPID I’d been.
What I’m trying to say, Dawn, is, don’t you feel really smart now?;-)
See, Jillian, that impulsive reaction is exactly the kind of thing that can get us in trouble, but is so, so human. The kind of behavior that when it happens in movies–Girl in nightgown investigates noises in the basement knowing serial killer is after her–make us throw things at the screen. Truth IS stranger than fiction. People in real life behave far less logically than we’d ever allow our characters.
Dawn
I installed a steel screen door that is decorative as well and it locks with a key like a regular door. I can see through the screen and talk to the person which is what I do if I don’t know the person. And I never open it if I don’t know the person even if they try to had me a card or pamphlet or whatever. If I have to be out after dark for some reason I always carry pepper spray in my hand ready to use. As to driving along and having a police car come up behind me that is one reason I drive a car with OnStar so I can call them and have them check if there’s really a police man in the area. But don’t get the idea I haven’t done some dumb things because I have.
Ladies we can never be too careful. A year ago I was attending a business convention away from home. As I returned to my hotel I got lost in an unpleasant part of town, dressed up in my smart skirt suit and heels carrying an attache case and purse I could not find a taxi and soon got the unwanted attention of a gang of street thugs. Needless to say I was terrorised attacked, beaten up sexually degraded and humiliated and could do nothing to defend myself.
Christine:
I’m so, so sorry you endured that ordeal! Your reminder is very, very wise.
Best,
Dawn