Several days ago I took a one-on-one self-defense class with a martial arts expert…today the bruises are almost gone. It was an eye-opening experience–the first thing the instructor did was grab my ponytail and half-drag me across the room because, he later explained, an attacker would see my ponytail as a vulnerability, as a way to control me and take me wherever he wanted me to go. (Luckily, the instructor also showed me how to get out of the hold.)
The class was full contact–bear hugs, body tackles, choke holds. I was black and blue all over. It’s important that women know how quick and how forceful an attacker will be, and how to respond. I don’t think most women realize how hard you have to hit a man to faze him, especially when he’s hopped up on adrenaline (or drugs). I kicked and screamed and clawed. I learned that anything I can do to prevent an attack or to run away is always better than a confrontation or trying to escape a man’s grasp after the fact. And that what I do in the first few seconds after an attack can make the difference in living to tell about it.
The instructor provided insight into the mind of a rapist, how he selects his victims, and how he expects a victim to respond to an attack.
Did you know that:
* When women are confronted by an intruder in their home, the first words out of their mouth will almost always be “How did you get in here?” (As if it matters.) Learn to use your voice as a weapon to distract (yell as if someone else is home or standing behind the attacker–i.e., “Sir, call 911, this man is attacking me!”). Don’t just scream–shout instructions in case someone can hear you but not see you!
* Rapists select their targets based on opportunity and vulnerability–they prefer low-lit areas and women wearing braids or ponytails and clothes that are easy to remove. (Although most rapists carry scissors or a knife to cut off a woman’s clothing.) Runners are especially vulnerable since they’re usually already tired and offer less resistance, plus exercise clothes are easy to remove. Women who are talking on cell phones are also easy targets, so if you must talk and walk, be alert! And periodically let the person on the other end know where you are.
* Most women murdered in the U.S. are suffocated or choked to death. It takes only a few seconds of pressure to crush a woman’s windpipe–many attackers kill their victims before they even realize it. Don’t try to pry their hands loose–you simply don’t have the strength. Instead, gouge at their eyes and nose, and kick with your knees and feet to make them loosen their grip.
* The previous stat makes a whistle less valuable as a self-defense tool, considering you might not even have the air or the ability to use it! Instead, invest in a personal alarm that hooks to your waistband/purse and is activated by the removal of a pin–the noise is deafening, plus it emits a red flashing light. Here’s the url to a model that’s less than $20–would make a great gift for a single friend:
http://www.safetyandsecuritycenter.com/pe13alflleds.html
* Pepper spray is good, but know that you might get blowback with the streaming kind versus the “fogging” kind. When discharging pepper spray at an attacker, use a back and forth motion, aiming for their face.
* If you’re picked up or thrown to the ground, use your legs and feet to fight back–you can do much more damage with them (especially if you’re wearing high heels) than with your hands and arms.
I took the self-defense class for two reasons: Because I want to feel safer when I’m out alone (I do feel safer), and because I wanted to research for future novels why most attacks occur in the first place (the statistics are truly frightening). I encourage you to take a hands-on self defense class with a buddy or group of friends or your mother or your daughter–the first rule of self-defense is being self-aware.
The bruises are definitely worth it.
(Do you have a cautionary tale to share about why a woman should learn self-defense?)
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Note: Since we bloggers write and schedule our posts ahead of time, I didn’t know that Dawn would be blogging only yesterday about personal safety. Wow, how interesting that it’s uppermost on both of our minds!
Two months before my marriage, I was confronted in my home by a man who had gotten my address when he watched me write a check at a gift shop. I used brains and bluff to get out of it. And a lot of prayer. By the time I backed him out of my door he was scared and ready to leave! I later learned that he was a probably a serial rapist that had struck elsewhere in the city where I lived at the time. I can’t tell you how blessed I was that what I did work. I was in an apartment where all my neighbors were gone at that time of day.
Debbie–I had a similar experience. I’m accustomed to receiving LOTS of deliveries in my condo building. To get into my building, everyone has to enter an access code, so when my doorbell rang and I looked out to see a man dressed in what looked like some kind of uniform, I didn’t think twice about opening my door. He apologized for bothering me, said he was staying with one of my neighbors, which he named, and had locked himself out and asked if he could use my phone. But all the while, he was looking past me, as if trying to determine if I was alone. I was instantly on alert, but I knew if I looked afraid, he was so big, he’d simply crash inside–I couldn’t have closed the door against him. So I smiled and said, “My husband is upstairs on the phone. I’ll have him bring the phone out to you when he’s finished.” Then I closed the door, turned both deadbolts, and called the neighbor whom he’d said he was staying with. Just as I feared, the neighbor had no such guest. I called the police, but by this time, the guy was gone. When I described him to the police and said he was wearing a nice suit, the officer told me the halfway house a few blocks away that houses criminals who’ve just gotten paroled, give all the men suits so they can interview, but that many of them use their suits to gain entrance somewhere and commit another crime. It was a scary incident. When I thought about what might have happened, I shook all over. I later learned that the guy had called another neighbor in the building and convinced him he was renting in the building, but had forgotten his key, and the neighbor buzzed him in. Needless to say, our building security measures were tightened up!
Hi Stephanie, I love your books. Just wanted to get that out.
Loved the blog topic for the day. Now, I must admit that when I saw it, I thought, “Oh No, Stephanie.” Quickly followed up by, “I hope this was for research.” I am glad it was. I took martial arts classes because I wanted to feel safer. I must say that I have not been in a situation that warranted my having to use it or anything other techniques I have learned though. The tips you gave are wonderful ones to know about. I didn’t know that pepper spray came in fogging and streaming kinds, so I learned something new. It makes sense to spray using a back and forth motion, it is like spraying to get rid of germs.
You are so brave to embark on this journey for yourself. Learning information for future books is just a bonus. Thanks. I will check back in later…
Debbie, kudos to you for chasing him off.
Peace and love,
Paula R.
Thanks for the nice words about my books, Paula!
One more word about pepper spray…if they have additives such as dyes (to mark your attacker), be aware that they can erode and break down over time. Also, you can buy pepper spray in industrial size, like a fire extinguisher, to keep in your home to ward off an attacker(s).
You are welcome. Thanks for the info on pepper spray. Would it just be better to gete Mace (sp?)?
Peace and love,
Paula R.
Thanks for the comments–I did want to address Dawn’s topic of yesterday of being too paranoid. For example, how do you know if a man’s just being friendly, or if he has bad intentions? A lot of women are afraid they’ll hurt a man’s feelings if they react in a defensive manner. To that I say that if the man has a mother, sister, girlfriend, wife, or daughter, he will completely understand why a woman wouldn’t respond well to a complete stranger approaching her. If he acts angry or defensive that you back away or threaten to call 911, then he IS up to no good. When it comes to your personal safety, in my opinion, it’s always best to err on the side of paranoia!
My son was fooling around with the pepper spray on his girlfriend’s key chain and accidentally sprayed a little bit. They were in my living room and we all immediately took off. Still, that stuff went throughout the house and it’s potent! I can’t see how you could use it against an attacker and not be affected yourself.
I don’t worry about hurting anybody’s feelings. We live in a house and when the doorbell rings and my husband isn’t at home, I look out to see who it is. If it’s a man I don’t know I don’t open the door period. If they persisted, I’d call 911 immediately. When my husband is out of town I have a .45 to keep me company. I know how to shoot it. I hope I never have to use it but if it comes down to me and our daughter, they are going down. I like the idea of that personal alarm. I have to go to my Rheumatologist’s office every couple of months for infusions and I park in the parking garage. Only one time has there been a security guard there. The parking floors are open to the elements and even on a bright sunny day the lighting is somewhat low. When it’s snowing or raining, the light is even lower. Then I get anxious. I try to walk with a purpose and get out of there as soon as I can. I am very aware of my surroundings when I go there. I take my car key and put it between my index and third finger so it’s pointing out but hidden by my palm. If someone came at me I could use it to take out an eye.
Stay safe everyone,
Cher
Cher, I live alone, but I can’t have a .45 or a 9 (my preferred weapon of choice) where I work. It makes a lot of sense, but if I do move back to the city, I will definitely invest in one. Walking with a purpose seems to always work too. Not many men like to deal with or mess with woman who exude that level of confidence.
Peace and love,
Paula R.
My brother in law is a cop and he told me if you are being attacked in public call out(if you can) fire or rape. People will pay attention. Also, if you are forced to drive someone wreck the car as soon as possible. If the person has a gun, run away, but not in a straight line. Most people can’t shoot well enough to hit a moving target. Also, when walking to your car, put your car key facing out between to fingers. You will always have a weapon to poke someone’s eyes out.
Both good points–most criminals are BAD shots. Even if someone is holding a gun to your head trying to force you into a car, you’re better off to run (in a zigzag motion) versus getting in the car. Stats show if you get in the car, you’re already dead.
Wow, this is some great information, Stephanie, thank you.
I will look into seeing where one of these classes are in my area. I want my daughter to go. She’ll be off to college in a couple of years and this seems almost mandatory for young women on their own for the first time.
A lot of very informative information. I never really thought about a pony tail as a vulnerability. I always have in a pony in the summer, now I’ll be aware of it.
About hurt a guys feelings, I’m with you on that one. He should understand if he has close female relatives because he would understand the reaction and wouldn’t get angry or aggressive. He would think of how his female in his life would react to the situation. If I’m home alone and I don’t recognize who is at the door I will not answer it.
good advice ladies. I used to travel alone alot by car, and i always held my keys between my fingers for weapons, at night i park under street lights. And when i traveled my mag light flashlight layed in the seat beside me, it is that large kind cops carry. whenever i’d get out at night it went with me in my right hand, keys in my left. I’m stronger on my right side, so i figured that i could jab with my kets and crack askull open with the end of that mag light.
The next time you go to walmart, pick one up. They’re heavy and a very good self defense weapon.
jody
Jody, I carry a flashlight similar to the mag light, but it was my military issue flashlight. That thing is so heavy, and I love it.
This was a great blog topic for the day.
Peace and love,
Paula R.
Really good advice Stephanie, thanks for posting! I’ve never thought about the ponytail thing, and i have very long hair which i usually put in a ponytail when i walk my dog, but now I’m going to start putting it up into a bun. Thankfully I’ve never had anything bad like that happen to me. My mom taught me to always be careful and she has good reason too, as she was sexually assaulted back in the 1980′s, she wasn’t raped though Thank God. She taught me among other things to never open the door to strange men, and if I’m getting a bad vibe from someone, to get away from that person and to always make sure to lock my doors and windows. And i don’t care if i hurt a man’s feelings, better safe than sorry, and far better alive than dead and if it’s a mistake i can apologize. My mom and i live in a duplex and my uncle and his fiancee live next door, and he is very muscular and is very hot-headed and also has a hunting rifle and he would not hesitate to protect any of us. Whenever i walk our dog, i always look around and listen to my surroundings and i never amble or stroll and i always make sure to walk with my head held high and to look confident and to not look vulnerable or like a victim and i always walk down the center of the street (we don’t have sidewalks) to make it much harder for anyone to follow me. And when there was a manhunt for a serial killer in my area i wasn’t allowed to walk the dog period, thankfully the FBI eventually caught the creep. And i don’t talk on my cell while i walk, and if i do need to make a call, i stop and pace in one of my neighbor’s driveways and i continually look around. I have had men try to approach me a few times, but when they did my dog growled, barked and lunged at them, she hates men and for the most part won’t let any near me, unless she knows him, and she would bite someone if she thought i or my mom was in danger, she is extremely protective of my mom and me, and she is very good watch-dog, nobody can sneak past her, she will and has raised the ruckus to end ruckuses. I am always very careful and cautious, if I’m alone anywhere and in general, i want to live to see my 17th birthday and every other birthday after that for at least the next 99 years. And i am definitely going to look into one of those classes for my mom and me. Great post Stephanie, Thanks!
Oh, i just thought of one more thing.
“Safe At All Times” by Janet Rodgers is a really great book with very useful self-defense techniques and general information about being safe no matter where you or whether you’re a man or a woman, young or old. I would advise anyone who’s interested in being safer to check this out. It’s certainly made me safer.
When you’re walking alone, rehearse in your mind what you’ll do if someone approaches you. Just visualizing it will help you be able to react if you need to. Also, at home or at the gym, practice palm strikes that you would land on an attacker’s throat, chin, and nose. (Don’t hit him with your fist–you’ll break your hand.)
My cautionary tale is an obvious one. Listen to your instincts. That’s it.
When I was mugged, I had put myself in a vulnerable position. Dark, deserted parking lot, alone, at night – the guy approached me and told me some story about someone trying to break into my car and how he stopped them. I guess he was trying to gain my trust.
I talked to him for a bit, but I didn’t like the way he was following me back to the car itself, and I didn’t much trust his story. He then tried to get bus fare from me, all the while talking and following me – I looked at him and a voice in the back of my head, clear as a bell said, “Remember this face, you’re going to need to describe it to the police.”
He attacked within a minute. He waited until I opened the car door, and then made his move. I was able to fight him off and didn’t come to any harm, but my instincts knew what was going on well before my well-bred self was willing to accept it.
As a small aside: Stephanie, I read In A Bind not too long ago and wanted to give you props for the use of the word, “fossicking.” I never see that word and I wanted to tip my hat at you.
LOL–I KNOW everyone is thinking “fossicking” is a naughty word, and it isn’t!
C’mon Stephanie… you know they were fossicking in a field in broad daylight and got all dirty and sweaty together. Heck, by the time they were done she’d discovered muscles she didn’t even know she had.
LOL…you are too funny Venus.
Peace and love,
Paula R.
Question: Am I missing something, or is there not going to be a specific blog for today 14Aug? Just wondering.
Peace and love,
Paula R.
Paula, it’s guest blog day and we must be guestless!
Okay, I get that…so I was your guest blogger today then…lol…blog topic was, “Hello, is anybody home?” Thanks for answering me.
Peace and love,
Paula R.
Those stats are scary. I usually take my hair out of the bun its in at work when I finish for the day – I’m gonna stop doing that after dark now that I’ve read the information at ponytails.
I’m in New Zealand, and along the same line as talking and walking, the police here are recommending that people listening to music on their iPod should be more aware of their surroundings or not using the iPod at all.
It sounds like you had a good self-defense instructor, I’ve taken lessons but the problem with a lot of classes is that they have you practice moves over and over as if you will know how or when you will be attacked.
Good point about the iPods–it’s yet another thing attackers look for because they know they can catch the person unaware. If you run or walk and use your iPod, you should absolutely invest in one of those pull-pin personal alarms.
When I walk and listen to my ipod, I only put the earbud in one ear, usually the one on my less dominant side…I want to make sure that it doesn’t get in my way when I am trying to defend myself. Now, I need to learn more about that pull-pin personal alarm you are talking about Stephanie. Can you tell us more about it?
Peace and love,
Paula R.