Writing Sex
Posted by Samantha Hunter in Samantha Hunter, Uncategorized, tags: Blaze, sex, sexy romance, writing life
Writing sex often gets mistaken for writing love in a lot of articles and workshops — a love scene and a sex scene are not the same thing, though they can overlap, obviously. Love scenes imply a certain emotional commitment has been made, and I think people tend to see the love scene as more acceptable than the sex scene for that reason. For those of us who write erotic romance, we often write sex that happens before love. While the we know these two characters are meant to be together, and that they will have their HEA, they will fall into bed (or into a closet or onto a table, or whatever)–a lot–before they fall in love.
Writing good sex isn’t easy, and it intimidates a lot of new writers. I assume we all know the sex should be relevant to the story–and that there should BE a story–and the plot, so what I am talking about here, is how to best approach the actual writing of sex itself (just to be clear). So I thought I would see what advice was out there for writing sex.
One of the most available and reproduced articles I found was this one, by Steve Almond, who offers 12 “rules” for writing sex. I liked all of them except rules 6 and 9, which I didn’t agree with at all. People’s sexual experience is wide and varied — we simply can’t make these assumptions about how fast climax happens, or slow, or if it happens at all. And we should consider all three scenarios when we’re writing sex.
I also disagree with him on not “using the rude words” — and in fact, I don’t find sexual words rude. I like to use all the words at my disposal, and many times my characters like using them, too. And maybe his characters would never talk to each other during sex, or announce their pleasure, what they like, or what they want, but that doesn’t mean that’s a general rule. Lots of people love dirty talk — it’s the basis of an entire phone sex industry, right?
Another resource is an entire book on the subject, Elizabeth Benedict’s The Joy of Writing Sex, and it gets some good reviews online, though I haven’t read it, but it looks like it might be a good resource for those looking for advice on writing sex. If anyone has read it, please let us know what you think.
This is also a fun discussion, if you have time to read through it.
I’ve always thought that the key thing to keep in mind if you are writing sex is that everyone’s sexual experiences are different, and in that difference, you have a broad range of what can happen. No two people ever have sex or think about sex in the same way, and that gives writers a lot to work with. There are no limits — almost.
Here is my own list of tips for writing sex:
1) Beware of the “ick factor.” In general, you can assume anything dangerous, violent, insulting or demented, anything which would make most reasonable, open-minded people back away, will qualify as “ick.”
2) Beware of being too tame. Keeping the “ick” factor in mind, don’t be afraid of the kink, and use whatever words you need to make it happen.
3) Make sure the sex in your book is true to the character having it, as you have described them. If they are experienced or a virgin, or have various kinds of backstories, make sure the sex is consistent.
4) Beware of falling into a rut. Characters in different books should have their own sex lives, not the same sex as characters in the last three books. What do these people like? what makes them unique?
5) Switch it up. Use different locations, positions, toys, kinds of sex, etc. Have your characters explore and surprise each other. If you don’t know about something, do your research. (Online, or otherwise, it’s up to you).
6) Have fun! Don’t be afraid of the humorous, awkward, or sticky moment in a book. On this note, make sure your logistics work, be clear in your physical descriptions, i.e., This Side Up, etc. 
7) Don’t make a public service announcement out of your sex scene. i.e., birth control, STDs. Smart characters will act responsibly, and should, but there are a lot of ways to work around this without dampening passion or spontaneity.
8 ) Be clear on what the sex is about. Even if it’s not about love, be aware what emotions are in play. For more on this, I wrote this blog on Sexual Motivation that people seemed to like.
9) Remember (and this comes in handy when people mistake your characters’ sex lives for YOURS), This is about your characters, not you. Once an editor wrote me a line edit “Is this really sexy?” I thought about it, and could only say, “It is for her.” To me, the heroine was clearly enjoying herself. Readers seemed to agree. 
10) What do you find sexy? If you can communicate that, it will probably be sexy for your readers, too. Likewise, don’t write anything you are uncomfortable with, because once it’s on that page, it’s there for good.
So what would you add to the list, as a reader or writer? What makes the sex really great to read, and to write? What have been some of your favorite sexual moments in books? Share your ideas, thoughts, and I’ll send out a book to two lucky winners at the end of the day.
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What a timely subject as yesterday I just started writing the first sex scene for my wip! Thank this will help a bunch.
The sexual tension leading up to the actual act is what gets me going and the tension it creates afterwards.
Hey good luck on your new scene!
I love the first sex scene. In Caught in the Act, it happens very early, so there wasn’t any tension since it was the first time they’d met — pretty much just spontaneous, unadulterated lust, but it turns into much more later on, of course. It’s one of the things I love about Blaze is that we can have things happen from page one if we want to… depending on the story and characters, of course.
Sam
This is a fantastic posts!
Thanks
I was wondering what to write, and it ended up yesterday that I was writing a lot of sex all day so it was on my mind, LOL. 
Sam
Samantha, what a great post. I couldn’t agree more with you. I really like to use dialogue to heighten the sexual tension and move the story along before, during and after. I use it as a way to show some of the heros thinking without slipping into his POV necessarily (cause he might not be clearly thinking at this point, right?). I think one other thing I have noticed in some books I’ve read is that the sex scenes sometimes read ‘instructional’. Do we really need to know where all the hands, legs and other body parts are every step of the way? I don’t think it has to be choreographed out like that necessarily and it sometimes takes the reader out of the emotion of the act and disconnects them from the characters. They’re using their imagination after all right along with the action. I also think you can include activities that a reader might not necessarily be into themselves, but if it is consistent with the character and the reader identifies with the character I think it can still work. I also like to try and get creative with these scenes. It doesn’t alwasy have to be all the way full blown sex. There are many foreplay variations that are fun where you can heighten the tension and put your characters in some very interesting, frustrating and even humorous scenarios. Great post!
Great, points, Kaily.
That “instructional” or mechanical tone is a killer for sure — you can have all the physical details, but if it reads like acrobatics, then I’m with you, yuck.
I agree with your idea on foreplay and sometimes, they don’t even have to be together to heighten the tension — how your characters are when they’re alone, even going through an ordinary day can add to the sexual tension. How they eat, what their clothes feel like against their skin, all of it. I think that sort of sensuality that weaves itself all the way through a book is my favorite part of writing sexy.
Sam
Such a great topic, Samantha, thank you! I think writing sex scenes and love scenes can be daunting. I’ve written quite a few and I’m not afraid of them. Worried about getting the right vibe, definitely. But for me the most important part of the sex scene/love scene is the emotional connection between the two characters. The emotional intimacy weaving in with the great sex.
I’ve been reading a lot lately and there was one book where I kind of sighed through the sex scenes. They were hot and everything (and well written) but I just didn’t believe it and I didn’t buy that the sudden great sex led to such “great love.”
As my momma always told me, “Sex is sex, not love. Don’t mistake the two.” And reading through the linked articles in your blog, I kept thinking about that book as the article went through the Don’ts. Now I don’t mind “rude language” but sometimes it just comes off as almost ‘for the shock value’ and all of a sudden — because the scene doesn’t have (for me) an intimacy to it, it DOES come off like a cheap porn movie. LOL.
I like when you get that emotional motivator and I really like when the character they’re having sex with somehow seems to pick up on, say, a sudden fear during the sex and does or says the right thing instictively to give their partner whatever reassurance they need — be it with a touch or a kiss or whatever. It shows there’s more going on (even if the two can’t admit it or don’t recognize it yet) than *just* sex. It shows there’s a foundation being built.
Julie
Hey Julie — I have to agree, that love makes the sex even better (in books and in life), but I also think sex for sex’s sake can be fun. Like I was mentioning earlier, my hero and heroine in Caught in the Act get down to it very early on, they don’t even know each other’s names — and I have to admit, I love that. The characters have their own reasons for doing it, but they don’t really have any emotional investment in each other just yet — though it’s there, under the surface.
But you are absolutely right about shock value — that’s a big no no. It should all be leading toward something more, even if it’s not there at the start, and we have to plant the seeds for that. For some reason, even when the h/H have “just sex” it has to be different than any other sex they’ve had, and they are drawn to each other enough to not just walk away.
There’s so much to think about with all of it.
But it’s fun stuff. 
Sam
Great post, Sam.
I’m a reader, not a writer, but, my fave line in a sex scene is, “her eyes flew to his”. Why, because I think when you have that happen to you in RL, when your eyes connect, you know this will be an important event in your life.
I also appreciate scenes showing oral sex for the heroine, because I think this is RL in many women’s lives. I heard on a medical TV program the other day that 90% of women never have an orgasm via missionary position sex. I believe it.
Finally, I love scenes showing sex as fun. In RL, there’s fun involved, particularly, with a committed couple, because it can’t be the ‘be-all & end-all” every time.
Patricia
Patricia
Patricia, thanks for your thoughts.
I like eye contact in sex scenes, too. There’s something special about that, so I agree with you whole heartedly.
Oral sex for both parties is a lot of fun to write, and something I particularly like having my characters explore is how they can use their entire bodies — thighs, hands, “parts” LOL, just about anything that will feel good.
I also love humor in sex scenes, and honesty — I know there have been plenty of Blaze that dealt with physical or sexual limitations/dysfunction, and I had two heroines who had trouble with orgasm, but they worked that out with the hero just fine.
And laughing is the best… sex really, as Almond says, is hysterical sometimes when you think about it… Though I also like physical humor, like people getting twisted in sheets, falling out of bed, etc. It’s fun.
Sam
Sorry for the double name. Hope this wasn’t too graphic for general tastes–LOL.
LOL I do the double name thing too.
No worries, you’re fine – This is a Blaze board, after all.
Sam
As a reader, I have to say that the tension, connection and foreplay between characters is what I enjoy… Give me something that I can understand, not something that makes me say, “Is that possible or how do they do that?” I love when the scene flows through the book…
Colleen! You are so right. I love creative sex in books, but sometimes, if you have to draw a diagram and wonder if they are challenging the laws of physics, maybe not.
I like to write what I think of as “real sex” in other words, if people want to turn to page so and so and try it out, they can. (I had a friend who used novels to spice up her long time marriage that way — she’d find a scene she liked, leave the book open to that page on her husband’s pillow, and they would try it out). I always thought that was a great idea.
Sam
I am of an older generation and I don’t have a problem with the sexual side of the books I read. I mean, people have been doing it for centuries they just talk about it more openly now. And I think that is a good thing. I do like the characters to have some type of emotional tie even if they fall in bed first. I still like them to evolve into a relationship. I’m not much interested in the characters that fall into bed with one person after the other. I call it serial sex. No emotional involvement, no deep meaning, I am not as interested in that kind of storyline.
Linda! I replied, and the blog ate it, so here’s a second (actually a third) try.
I think talking frankly about sex is a good thing to, and I’m always thrilled we have books like Blaze, because all Blaze heroines and heroes are about people taking control of their sexuality. I love that.
I agree, wall to wall sex is not a story. I have run across books like that and maybe there is a place for them, but it’s not my kind of reading (or writing).
I have never come across too much serial sex in Harlequins, even in Blaze, because we’re writing romance, of course, but I have come across it in other series I read, and I have to admit, the one series that made it work beautifully is Cleo Coyle’s Coffeehouse mysteries. These are not sexy books – there’s not a lot of detail even though there are love scenes, and nice ones. But the heroine, Claire Cosi is a 40+ divorced, attractive woman who does have several lovers through 5-6 books, and each relationship is nicely real, and very well done. But there is a “hero” in there, too, and it’s fun watching Claire solve mysteries while she deals with these wonderful men.
I guess like they say, everything is in the execution.
The right writer can make just about anything work.
i like four play and the talking whoo
i like emotions involved but down dirty is alway welcome
congrats on teh books
very good reviews whooo
u have hot sex scenes
Hey Kim — thanks.
I’m with you — I love a good love story, but a love story where characters get down to it is the best. 
I’m glad you like my scenes. I have a lot of fun with them.
Sam
Um, okay. First no responses to LInda showed, up, then they all did. LOL
Aiy.
Sam
LOL, Sam, on the blog regurgitations. Great post and thanks for the links.
(in disguise)
Awesome post! I do have The Joy Of Writing Sex in my writing library and think it’s a fantastic resource. Definitely rec!
I like to be in the character’s heads during the love scene and know what they are thinking and their emotions as well as the physical aspect, even when it’s down and dirty as opposed to lovey dovey.
Nancy, thanks for letting us know about the book. I may check it out if B&N has it.
The more books you write, the more ideas you need, LOL. 
I really agree with needing to know what characters are thinking/feeling during a sex scene, no matter what the emotional situation, and so much can be illustrated through “show don’t tell” as well, with a tender touch or a rough one (though both can be good).
Sam
Great post Sam! You make really good points. Some of the stuff that I think is best in sex scenes in the foreplay. Foreplay can last chapters or it can last just a few lines. Also when the writer goes into things that people think about but have never tried. I have learned a few tricks from reading Blaze books, lol! Also when the sex has the emotions added to it. Deep down we are all romantic fools, lol!
I like the slow build up. I don’t want them jumping each other too soon, we need to let the fire burn a bit before we take the plunge. I also wish that was more decriptive ways to express kissing–the first kiss especially. Kissing is one of the most romantic aspects of a relationship and I’d like to see more time spent on it.
Heather, I know — Tawny came in to save you all from the multiple posts of the same thing (thanks Tawny!). Just a computer burp. Maybe all this talk about sex got the thing too worked up LOL.
Alina, thanks.
LOL on learning some new tricks – hey, why not? 
Jody, I think it all depends on the story, honestly. Some are a slow build, and that’s the right thing to do, others need things to happen right away. I like either, as long as it’s the right thing for the story.
Sam
Oh, and also agree with you on kissing! Kissing is fantastic, and I love writing it into sex…
Sam
That’s a real interesting Post Sam. I like your tips. Personally I like when the characters talk during a sex scene because to me it adds to the connection the two have. I like the sexual tension between characters, like in Tawny’s Going Down Hard. Those two characters had a lot of sexual tension going on.
Palpable sexual tension is a must. I want to feel the attractive between the characters and you just can’t wait until they finally come together for that first kiss and touch.
Hi Nicole, thanks
I like them to talk, too… I think my characters all tend to be pretty verbal. 
Jane, I agree.
The tension can come before or after, or both, but it has to be there.
Sam
Ah see, now I could never imagine writing a sex scene of any sort; hence why I prefer being a plain and simple reader and not writer.
The only thing I really have to add is, at least in a longer book, I tend to like it more when the sex come in the second half of the book; guess it’s a guarantee that it’s built up to it or something like that. When it comes to sex scenes read. . . the one that pops up first is always those raspberries in Suddenly You by Lisa Kleypas. . . 
Lois
Since the bulk of my upcoming release on Friday is sex, this a topic near and dear to my heart. LOL
Recently one of my CPs commented that she was tired of writing so much sex, but that’s never happened to me unless I was sick or really not in the right frame of mind. To me, sex scenes are just another kind of action scene…with emotion, choreography and escalating conflict. As long as the writer remembers that no two characters have sex the same way, I don’t know how it can get boring. Though if it does, that may be a sign you need to go back to the drawing board…as they always say, if the writer’s not into it, usually the reader won’t be either.
This was terrific, Sam…you touched on so many things important to remember. Sex scenes are something that can make or break a book, though the sex doesn’t have to be graphic to hit all the right notes. It’s all about resonating with the reader, and luckily there’s as many variations on sex scenes as there are positions.
Great post!
Wow, great comments, Cari! I love that, that the sex scene is another kind of action scene!
Lois, as long as we write scenes you like to read, that’s all that counts.
I guess I should wrap this up, and announce some winners!
Kim h and Julie, I picked your names to win a book! So please email me at samhunter@samanthahunter.com and I’ll send you any book of your choice from my back list (except for Virtually Perfect or About Last Night, since I don’t have extra copies of those early books anymore).
Thanks for a wonderful conversation!
Sam
Congrats Kim H & Julie!
Congrats Kim and Julie!!
cant wait
awesome and interesting post
Elizabeth Benedict’s The Joy of Writing Sex was a bit of a buzzkill. It has it’s good points — one of which was the moment when I checked it out of the library and felt a bit scandalous — and does have some good thoughts although it is depressingly based in the genre of literary fiction. About half of any given chapter is direct transcription from Benedict’s interviews with successful literary authors who have written sex scenes and received acclaim for them. While it was educational to know what was going through the author’s head as he wrote the scene where his young male protagonist masturbates for the first time it did not particularly help or influence my future romance writing.
The best bit of advice from Benedict’s book is to stop thinking about what your mother will say about it.
Thanks DL!
Thanks Eileen! It’s good to get different perspectives. I can see where that particular scene would not have been very inspiring.
Sam