Congratulations to Michele L and Patricia, you’ve both won a copy of Her Best Friend. Send me your snail mail addys, and I will get some books in the mail to you ASAP. Thanks everyone else for popping in to chat – and for reassuring me that I’m not the only freak of nature out there!!! Until next month….
Original post:
My friend forwarded me an article recently that really got my back up. Basically, the author of this article contended that women like to be wooed by men – taken out for a night of fine dining and a “sophisticated” theatre show, then home for some “casual flirting” on the doorstep before parting company. Men, on the other hand, would prefer a big burger, a war movie with lots of stuff blowing up, then a dash to the closest motel for “wild monkey sex”.
Now, maybe I’m a freak of nature, but I have always hated the stereotype that women are precious, unattainable vessels that must be wooed and feted and gifted and schmoozed into a) going out with men and then b) allowing them access to their bodies. You know what I mean, the whole box-of-chocolates and bunch-of-roses on arrival cliche – as though we need to be offered collateral up front before we would even consider going out and getting to know someone or (God forbid) having sex with them.
This is so far from my experience of the dating world that it always makes me feel like I live on a separate planet when I see these scenarios in movies and books and TV shows. Maybe dating is different down here in Australia (for starters, we don’t really call it “dating”. It’s usually “seeing someone” or “going out”), but when I was single and I went out with a guy it was on the basis that I wanted to get to know them as a person. Could something happen here? Could he be The One? Or, at least, could he have the potential to be The One? It wasn’t about him proving himself to me or investing dollars to impress me – we were two people exploring the possibilities.
And, you know, sometimes those possibilities included sex. Because women – just like men – have Needs. The very fact that the Blaze line exists is testament to the fact that women have Needs. Just like men, we enjoy sex. I know, it’s a revolutionary concept. Imagine having sex with someone simply because you found them attractive and likable and wanted to have sex rather than because you felt obliged or because he’d jumped through all the flaming hoops in the correct order (the flowers, the chocolates, the big meal, the fancy show…). Imagine!
While I’m ranting, I also object to the fact that the things us women supposedly prefer are so…uptight and not-fun. I mean, fine dining and sophisticated theatre over a burger and a shoot ‘em up movie? Who would you prefer to hang out with? Don’t get me wrong, I like a nice meal out as much as the next lady, but if someone held a gun to my head and made me choose between negotiating haute cuisine and pantyhose and snooty waiters and scary wine lists or a big, juicy burger on the beach with my favorite guy, I know what I’d be opting for. As for opera versus Con Air or any other action movie…again, pass the popcorn.
I had a good rant about all this with my man after reading the article, but then it occurred to me that maybe I really am a freak of nature. Maybe this is the way the rest of the world operates…? Maybe I’m the only burger-loving, action-movie-enjoying woman out there who would prefer to pay her own way rather than be showered with gifts and attention…? I’d really love to hear from readers on this one – what do you expect from a man? What’s your idea of a great first date (a real world one, not a fantasy one)? Do you want to be wooed and made to feel precious before you even think about offering up the keys to the kingdom? Am I hugely out of touch…?
I’m giving away two copies of my latest SuperRomance to posters this month. Her Best Friend is available now at eHarlequin, and will be on the shelves in April. It’s about Amy and Quinn, two people who grew up next door to each other and have known each other all their lives, and what happens when Quinn returns home with his divorce papers in hand. Post away and I’ll choose two winners over the next few days. Looking forward to your answers!
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Good Afternoon Sarah! I love your rant. And no your not a freak of nature, lol! I would much prefer a burger or pizza and a movie over some fancy date. The first real date my husband and I went out on when we started dating was dinner at a pizza place I worked at in high school then we went to see American Pie, lol! It was fun and we laughed like crazy! Even now when we go out on dates its normally a quick dinner and a movie which can be anything from a chick flick to an action movie. And when it comes to sex I agree with you that women have needs just like men! No wooing needed. Maybe if I was still single things might be a little different, but I doubt it, lol! That and I dont think you need to be wooed to feel precious. You just need the right man!
Cant wait to read about Amy and Quinn! Have a wonderful day! (*)
Phew. Thanks for validating my experience, Alina! Nice to know I’m not alone out here… I love your first date with your hubby – sounds very much like the sort of thing me and my man do. As far as I’m concerned, it’s all about the laughter – people who can laugh together can get through almost anything, I think. Even when I’m angry with my man he can make me laugh. Which he knows, damn his eyes… You have a great day, and I hope you enjoy the read.
I’m the same way, I can’t stay angry with him no matter how hard I try, lol! He can always make me laugh!
Hey Sarah, love the blog. I don’t think that you are out of touch at all. I think that “dating” transforms itself with each generation. When I was younger, I got the old-fashioned way shoved down my throat, and I still hear voices in the back of my head when I think about going out with someone. Sometimes, I just want to skip all the other stuff and give up the “keys” because let’s face it, as you stated before, women have needs too. I don’t mind the chocolate or the flowers, but they don’t give me any real indication of the person behind it all. My ideal date would be one where my date and I could go out, maybe catch a movie, grab something to eat, go for a walk or drive and just talk. To be honest, I stay away from the guys I am physically attracted to because I don’t trust me, and I would hate to feel guilty for any of my actions. So, I immerse myself in the Blaze world and my other romances. It is very hard to let go of those traditional restraints, in terms of dating, no matter how much I want to. They are so ingrained in me, that I feel trapped sometimes, you know what I mean? And, I am only 35. Yeah, I know!
Peace and love,
Paula R.
That’s such a good explanation of the dynamic, Paula – that you have no idea who the person is behind the flowers and choccies. It’s like an ancient ritual, isn’t it? And I know guys have probably been taught by their mom’s to be respectful etc, etc, but I am not made of spun sugar, nor am I infallible or perfect, and I’d rather be treated as an equal than revered. Or in some cases, kind of conned, because I am sure there are a bunch of guys who offer up the bounty because they just want the booty. And if that is what they are after, I’d much prefer they were straight about it – save everyone a lot of mucking around. But then you come up against all that double standard stuff, don’t you? No one wants to be labelled a slut. Sigh. I have no idea how anyone is supposed to navigate any of this stuff. Peace to you, too!
Sarah, this is why we are pals, LOL. Panty hose? what’s that?
One of the reasons I love Blaze, as well, is because it’s frank about the fact that women like sex, want sex, are good at sex, and want to read and write about sex. I love how our books give fair treatment to heroes and to heroines.
I’m with you — there’s something a little skeezy about having sex with someone only if they take you out for an expensive dinner – the fine line of “payment” (ick) is a little too close to the surface there.
I’ve was always casual about my dating before I was married, and even now — fancy stuff stresses me out — not the best way to enjoy someone’s time, IMO. I’d rather do something outdoorsy, kayaking or a hike, or getting out in the woods (now THAT can be sexy).
Or things like hitting the garage sales, or going to flea markets or on long walks. My first “date” with dh was at a local nature center where we took a 3-mile hike around a lake and stopped on all the benches along the way to make out, LOL.
Great blog, well said. Love the cover and have really enjoyed your Supers, though I just started your Blaze, Her Secret Fling, last night, and look forward to more.
Sam
Hello Sammas! I had a feeling you’d be with me on this one! How could you write Blaze and not! Can I just say, your first date with dh sounds pretty damned hot. I”m not an outdoorsy person – I prefer to do most of my hiking in a shopping mall, preferably dropping in to lots of shoe stores along the way – but you’re kind of talking me around a little… And yes, the whole idea of women having to be compensated for having sex gives me the willies. I have always felt strongly about this issue – you should hear me rant when people go on about a woman’s virginity being a “special and precious gift that can only be bestowed once” etc. By all means, ensure you feel safe and comfortable and that you’re in bed with someone for the right reasons(whatever those reasons are for you), but can we please not turn our genitals into holy shrines?
Dear me…there I go again, ranting. Hope you enjoy HSF.
*Screaming laughing here*…..OMG. But yes, a thousand times yes.
Sam
PS: There are probably all kinds of places in malls and shoe stores to make out.
I know dressing rooms have been very popular in Blaze. *G*
In the change room….at the shoe shop…now, that’s a fantasy…
Great post, Sarah! I think that what works for one couple may be the opposite of what works for another couple. The key is “what works”. Ideally a relationship is 50/50, with the flexibility to be 25/75 or 90/10 as needs indicate. I would like to be wined and dined at times, but I would also like to return the gesture. That calls for an enlightened male who can “give and take” and not feel threatened by a woman’s independence. I love to cook, but I would greatly enjoy my own personal chef, even if his specialty was “the world’s greatest cheeseburger”! The level of enjoyment of a campfire cookout or dining at a five-star restaurant can be the same as long as the company is good. However, I cannot enjoy any gift or special treatment which is given “with expectations”. If I choose to be with someone, it won’t be because they tried to win my favor with special treatment. Many times, those type of men become much less charming after they feel they have secured your approval. Someone who likes you just as much when you wear jeans and a t-shirt as when you are dressed to the max is someone worth your time. When he gives you that same heartfelt smile on your bad days as well as your good ones, and words aren’t always necessary, that is real intimacy. A great first date? Neutral ground, a mutual experience, good food, good coffee, good company! Want to repeat the experiment, can’t stop smiling, can’t get him out of your mind? Great first date!
Hi Virginia. I think you’re absolutely right – it’s definitely horses for courses. And relationships are about flexibility – you learn that pretty quickly when you’re in a relationship, I think. It really is about being there for each other. And I should qualify, I love a fancy dinner, too. I like dressing up (as opposed to wearing my PJs all day!) and going somewhere that makes me feel like I’m a successful grown up. But I do also like the cheeseburger route, and the thing that got up my nose with this article – which, of course, was supposed to be funny – was that women are neatly packaged up into this box that’s all about withholding and commodifying and being high maintenance. It’s such an old fashioned view of the world and just…blurg as far as I’m concerned. And I love your description of your first date. Especially the “can’t get him out of your mind” bit. That part of falling in love is so exciting.
Good post!
I could flip either way, I loved to be wined and dined, and I love the burger and action movie bit. A guy can try too hard, its a fine line to cross, a guy who can find that balance, of a restaurant that’s not too expensive or overdo it with the candy and flowers bit, he’s a keeper in my book. Going to a truck-pull on a first date? If it floats your boat, why not?
See, I would be quite interested in a truck pull!!! I’ve always had a hankering to go to one of those monster truck rallies, where they drive over normal cars with those big monster trucks with wheels the size of houses. It just looks fun! And I think everybody likes to feel appreciated and valued, so being treated as though you matter is lovely. One of my favourite things in the world is buying a special gift for my man – sometimes flowers, or a little something I know he wants, or something yummy to eat. And, of course, he’s always partial to a foot massage.
I am not into fancy, but it is nice every so often… let the guy impress you, but I want the real him… do things that we like together, but compromise when needed… I am a very simple person.
Getting to know someone is hard. Especially when there are so many expectations and insecurities thrown into the mix, like on a first date. One of the things I am eternally grateful for is the fact that me and my man were friends for a whole year before we became lovers. That year was torture, mind you, since I was always very into him, but by the time we got together he was my friend and we knew each other so well and the love was just…there. And Colleen, if you can’t tell from my original post, I’m a pretty simple person, too. I have blogged before about this, but I do think it’s the small things and moments that bring happiness in life, no the big ticket, fancy things that we sometimes attach so much importance to.
I am not a fancy person, Back when I we were dating, my husband & I when on dates to fast food restaurants, Sports bars. amusement parks and bowling alleys. He didn’t send me flowers, but he did send me ice cream treats with sweet hand written notes. Simple things make me the happiest!
Tammy, your husband sounds so lovely. The handwritten notes with ice cream treats thing is soooo cute. I love those thoughtful little gestures. Once, when I went away for a week or so for work, I returned home at a time when my man wasn’t in the house. But he’d left me all these little notes around the house – stuck on the mirror, on my pillow, on the milk in the fridge – telling me how much he’d missed me and other funny things. That gesture cost him nothing and yet it connected with me and made me feel so valued…these are the sorts of moments men and women share in real life.
I’m so glad I crawled out of my sickbed to read your blog. It gave me a good laugh and I sure needed one. I’m a casual type person so a night of fine dining would be wasted on me. And I’ve always been a blow them up shoot-em up movie fan. I don’t think that a woman should feel obligated to give it up for a steak dinner and movie. Frankly, I’d be less likely to if that was what the guy was expecting. I think a guy willing to take me to the bookstore and hang around while I browsed through the romance books would impress me more.
Linda, a guy like that would totally impress me too. Bookstores…I live in them.
Peace and love,
Paula R.
This guy in the book store sounds like a dreamboat. I wonder if it would be kosher to simply hang around in the book store until you met said guy? And then you could browse the romance section in the meantime… Thanks for dropping by, Linda.
Good Lord! If I was the one to take a guy out on the town, I certainly wouldn’t expect that he pay me back in bed! If MY date thought that about taking ME out on the town, he wouldn’t be my date very long (unless he was George Clooney — JUST KIDDING)! Women aren’t stupid. If a guy is trying to “buy” us, we know it and we know we have two choices. ‘Nuf said.
Today is much different than when I got married (almost 29 years ago). I’ve been watching lots of “kids” in their twenties. They seem to be friends with everyone first. That involves Dutch treats. Sometimes one will buy and the other gets the bill the next time. If one person drives, the other offers a treat at Dairy Queen, for example, or pays for a drink at the bar. They just enjoy being in each other’s company (as they should).
I loved Linda’s idea about a guy taking her to a bookstore. Ah … bliss! Don’t they say the way to a woman’s heart is through her … books??? LOL.
Well, as I mentioned above, my man and I were friends for a whole, torturous, very frustrating year before we got together. We split bills and paid our own way etc, etc, and I think part of the reason we are such good, equal partners is because we have that really solid basis to draw from. But I agree – George Clooney could get away with almost anything as far as I’m concerned.
Hi, Sarah, I received a big laugh from your post. No wining & dining for me–bed is for both to decide & not “payment” for anything. I like what Samantha said–women like sex, want sex, ARE good at sex (my fave) & want to read & write about sex. When someone asks me why I read books where sex is a big part of the story, I always answer, “why not, it’s a good & important part of life?” I would hate the “big set-up” of a expensive meal, with other extras, as a prelude to getting me in bed. Who would care about that as a bed decision-maker? Do I like him, enjoy being with him, miss him when I’m not with him & try hard to keep my hands off of him, these are the important things–not what his wallet buys.
Patricia
Yay, Patricia – I absolutely agree. But I’m sure a lot of Blaze readers would agree about women enjoying sex! And yes, it is an important part of life – it’s fun, it creates intimacy, it can be incredibly emotional, it’s life affirming, and (most of the time!) it’s free. It’s not THE most important thing in the world, but it’s right up there with food and shelter as far as I’m concerned.
I guess I am a romantic at heart. I love the wine and dine. My husband took me dancing on our first date. Discos were all the rage when we were dating and I love to dance! So that was our thing, dancing and eating at fancy restaurants. We both loved it!
After he snagged me though, we prefer to go out to hamburger joints, movies, and hanging at home. We love renting movies, popping popcorn, drinking our favorite pop, snuggling under the covers and watching the movie together. Quality time is very important to us since we both work and lead such busy lives so to have an evening where we can just sit and watch a movie is just fine and dandy to us! Togetherness is the most important thing!
Michele, I have this vision of you and your guy doing the Saturday Night Fever dance, clearing the decks at the local disco. Your dating years sound like great fun. And, you know, it’s so totally whatever floats your boat. My argument is more about the stereotypes in the original article than fine dining versus burger – the idea that women are high maintenance and that men are slathering sex mad morons. Your idea of a good time these days is my idea, too – nothing better than snuggling on the couch with my man! Anything we do together has the potential to be awesome,as far as I’m concerned, be it weeding the garden or shopping or simply spooning having an afternoon nap.
Ha,ha! You nailed it! Yes, we were doing the dance moves to Saturday Night Fever! Also, they played YMCA a lot, along with Funkytown, Hotmixes with Michael Jackson songs, etc. Absolutely great fun!
Yes, we are gardeners at heart! Al does his vegetable garden and I do the flowers. We love working outside together. Grocery shopping together is a lot of fun too! Al loves to scout around for all the good deals while I get the stuff we need on the shopping list. We make a good team. Plus we are super coupon people.
Ah yes, the lovely afternoon nap! Need I say anymore?
I forgot to mention my hubby and I love to hang out at Barnes & Noble. We make it a special outing by going to a restaurant for supper then book shopping at our favorite bookstore, sipping our favorite drinks from Starbucks, and lounging in the stuffed chairs, reading books until the store closes at 11:00pm. We absolutely love doing that and always end up buying more books even though we have tons already! We even love going to our library book sales in our town together. My hubby and I have a lot in common which is so neat!
Michele, I think you and your hubby might be living a mirror image of our life! We also love going to the bookstore as a “night out”. For us it’s Borders, since we don’t have B & N over here, and we do exactly what you do – hang out in the squishiest chairs in the cafe (sometimes hovering like vultures to score them) and drink yummy coffees while we leaf through books that we more than likely wind up buying and taking home to add to the TBR pile.
Ha,ha! I love your description! Yes! Yes! We do the same thing! What is it about bookstores? We just love’m! So relaxing, so much fun, drinking our favorite drinks, people watching at times, selecting our favorite books to read and possibly buy, talking to the clerks, etc. It is great fun! Sometimes we run into people we know while we are there. It is just the best hangout!
While wooing on a guy’s part isn’t a turn off for me, it’s definitely not a deal breaker if he doesn’t do those things. I’m pretty low-maintenance, so getting to know a guy in a low-key, relaxing setting is my idea of a great first date. I’d feel more comfortable not being at a fancy restaurant on a first date–too much pressure. Maybe someplace between a fancy restaurant and a hole-in-a-wall place.
The important ingredient is him, right? He’s the bit you’re really interested in – who he is, what he’s like, how it feels to be with him. The rest of it is just window dressing. And I hadn’t thought about it until now, but you’re right – the fine dining thing on a first date is a lot of pressure. I usually worry about spilling stuff on myself at the best of times, but on a first date in some high falutin’ joint… well, I guess it’s probably advisable not to order the spaghetti…
Hi, Sarah! You know, I could go either way, but it’s all about the guy–if I’m into him, I’d be OK with just hanging out, doing whatever! It could be stuff I enjoy, or I’d be willing to try things that might not be my first pick if I wanted to be with him. And ultimately I want a guy I can enjoy the gamut of experiences with–sometimes I just want a burger at a hole-in-the-wall, and once in a while, I want the whole wine-and-dine and put-on-the-Ritz kind of thing
What’ll convince me of his intentions is his willingness to try those things with me, whether they’re his first pick or not. Part of the fun in a relationship is trying all those different things together, out of and in bed 
BTW, congrats on your upcoming Super! Can’t wait! Sounds like another excellent friends-to-lovers read… you know how I LOVE those!
Hey Fedora. I agree with you – having a guy who’s willing to come along for the ride and try something new is important. My man, fortunately, is very adventurous, and he probably pushes me to try new stuff more than I push him. As I have said, I like a fancy night out, too – I think I just hate the idea that the writer was pushing, the “high maintenance, show-me-what-you-got” kind of woman versus the slobby, more basic guy. I hope you enjoy Her Best Friend – I loved writing this book. It’s a bit lighter than my last Super – less teary moments, I think – but friends to lovers offers so many opportunities for lovely warm moments, so it’s always a treat to try and create scene where all those loaded expectations come into play.
Yes, I agree–I don’t think dates ought to be all about “must pull out all the stops and impress her with how sophisticated, worldly, rich I am”
And boy, I think I’m going to love Her Best Friend! There’s a special dynamic in friends-to-lovers stories that you work so very well!