I learned a couple of weeks ago that one of my favorite TV shows, “Saving Grace,” which airs on TNT, is scheduled to be cancelled after the third season, which will air next summer. Apparently ratings haven’t been what everyone had hoped; as an avid fan from the first episode and author of a few dozen romance novels, I’d like to submit a theory as to why the ratings didn’t deliver after a promising start:

THE ROMANTIC CONFLICT WAS SUCKED OUT OF THE STORY!

“Saving Grace” opened with homicide Detective Grace Anadarko as a sexually uninhibited raging alcoholic who gets a “last-chance angel” after she runs down a pedestrian. The angel element is the story engine as Grace tries to live up to the second chance she’s been given, with as many misses as hits as she struggles through. But the part of the story that most engaged me is that she was embroiled in a love triangle with two men she worked with–the hottie hot-hot but aloof Bruce, whose chiseled jaw would make any woman want to break herself against him, and the lovable, hunky Ham, who adores Grace, but who happens to be a married man. When the show started, Grace and Ham were hot and heavy, but Grace was sleeping with other men and she also slept with Bruce once. (Apparently her relationship with Bruce was mostly in the past.) One of my favorite scenes showed Bruce in a bar, having a chat with (unbeknownst to him) Grace’s last-chance angel, confessing that he was hung up on a woman and “my buddy likes her, too.” To see that dark, brooding man who seemed to take Grace and Ham’s affair in stride, admitting that he still had feelings for Grace was GREAT television. (My heart is pounding just writing about it.) Talk about romantic conflict! I couldn’t wait to see what happened next.

(I should mention here that I saw a screening of the premiere episode of the second season of “Saving Grace” and met Kenneth Johnson, who plays the scrumptious Ham. He’s just as delectable in person, y’all. His personal chemistry is hair-melting. Seriously, he is like the sun–I couldn’t look directly at him.)

But I digress.

Unfortunately, so did the writers! I was poised to see Grace ping-ponging back and forth between the two men she was drawn to for different reasons, struggling with her new call to morality while she slept with a married man and caused a deeper rift between the two men she worked with. Instead, the scenes between Grace and Ham became a bigger part of the show…and Bruce’s feelings for Grace were cut out of the storyline completely. In fact, it was never mentioned again. (First leak of romantic conflict.) Then Ham got divorced, making him available to Grace. (Second leak of romantic conflict.) Then Bruce got engaged, like, overnight, to a reporter. (At this point, the original romantic conflict was hemorrhaging.) And finally, Ham pulled away from Grace after his brother died and started dating someone else…and Grace didn’t even care! The entire season felt to me as if it had no emotional momentum, nothing pulling it forward. And apparently, I wasn’t the only viewer who noticed.

Writers: Your original concept of a love triangle WORKED. If you’d developed Grace’s relationship with both men, your female viewers would’ve remained glued to the TV to see which guy she picked, and it could’ve worked beautifully with her journey toward morality and redemption with her last-chance angel. Instead…

Well, instead the show is being cancelled. Coincidence? I think not.

Those of you who watch the show, do you agree? Disagree?

Several days ago I took a one-on-one self-defense class with a martial arts expert…today the bruises are almost gone. It was an eye-opening experience–the first thing the instructor did was grab my ponytail and half-drag me across the room because, he later explained, an attacker would see my ponytail as a vulnerability, as a way to control me and take me wherever he wanted me to go. (Luckily, the instructor also showed me how to get out of the hold.)

The class was full contact–bear hugs, body tackles, choke holds. I was black and blue all over. It’s important that women know how quick and how forceful an attacker will be, and how to respond. I don’t think most women realize how hard you have to hit a man to faze him, especially when he’s hopped up on adrenaline (or drugs). I kicked and screamed and clawed. I learned that anything I can do to prevent an attack or to run away is always better than a confrontation or trying to escape a man’s grasp after the fact. And that what I do in the first few seconds after an attack can make the difference in living to tell about it.

The instructor provided insight into the mind of a rapist, how he selects his victims, and how he expects a victim to respond to an attack.

Did you know that:

* When women are confronted by an intruder in their home, the first words out of their mouth will almost always be “How did you get in here?” (As if it matters.) Learn to use your voice as a weapon to distract (yell as if someone else is home or standing behind the attacker–i.e., “Sir, call 911, this man is attacking me!”). Don’t just scream–shout instructions in case someone can hear you but not see you!

* Rapists select their targets based on opportunity and vulnerability–they prefer low-lit areas and women wearing braids or ponytails and clothes that are easy to remove. (Although most rapists carry scissors or a knife to cut off a woman’s clothing.) Runners are especially vulnerable since they’re usually already tired and offer less resistance, plus exercise clothes are easy to remove. Women who are talking on cell phones are also easy targets, so if you must talk and walk, be alert! And periodically let the person on the other end know where you are.

* Most women murdered in the U.S. are suffocated or choked to death. It takes only a few seconds of pressure to crush a woman’s windpipe–many attackers kill their victims before they even realize it. Don’t try to pry their hands loose–you simply don’t have the strength. Instead, gouge at their eyes and nose, and kick with your knees and feet to make them loosen their grip.

* The previous stat makes a whistle less valuable as a self-defense tool, considering you might not even have the air or the ability to use it! Instead, invest in a personal alarm that hooks to your waistband/purse and is activated by the removal of a pin–the noise is deafening, plus it emits a red flashing light. Here’s the url to a model that’s less than $20–would make a great gift for a single friend:

http://www.safetyandsecuritycenter.com/pe13alflleds.html

* Pepper spray is good, but know that you might get blowback with the streaming kind versus the “fogging” kind. When discharging pepper spray at an attacker, use a back and forth motion, aiming for their face.

* If you’re picked up or thrown to the ground, use your legs and feet to fight back–you can do much more damage with them (especially if you’re wearing high heels) than with your hands and arms.

I took the self-defense class for two reasons: Because I want to feel safer when I’m out alone (I do feel safer), and because I wanted to research for future novels why most attacks occur in the first place (the statistics are truly frightening). I encourage you to take a hands-on self defense class with a buddy or group of friends or your mother or your daughter–the first rule of self-defense is being self-aware.

The bruises are definitely worth it.

(Do you have a cautionary tale to share about why a woman should learn self-defense?)

I was having a drink with a friend the other day and she told me about a recent date she’d had. She’d met the guy once at a party she’d attended with a friend and really liked him, so when he called to ask her out, she was excited. The night of their date, however, when she opened the door, he seemed surprised, then he frowned. When she asked if something was wrong, he said she wasn’t the person he’d expected–apparently, he’d gotten her and her girlfriend mixed up and thought he was calling her friend for a date! She was so embarrassed, she hastily offered to cancel the date, but he said since she was dressed up and he was there, they should go out anyway. She relented, thinking they might connect over dinner conversation. Instead he spent the entire evening grilling her about her friend! She said that date couldn’t end quickly enough.

It led me to thinking about terrible dates I’ve had. (It’s been decades since I’ve dated, but some things you don’t forget.) In college I went out with a guy whom I thought seemed nice, and he was. We had a fun time going to a movie or something equally innocuous. When he took me back to my dorm to drop me off, he said he really appreciated me going out with him “considering.” I was confused and asked what he meant. He suddenly got fidgety and said, “Considering…you know.” I didn’t know. Then he pointed to his head and said, “My toupee.” I was floored–I had no idea he wore a toupee. And it wasn’t the toupee that turned me off (okay, it turned me off a little), it was the fact that he was so neurotic about it. He launched into a thirty-minute explanation of why he felt as if he needed it. I politely listened, then thanked him for the movie. Then I told him that he didn’t need a girlfriend because he obviously was already involved in a relationship–with his toupee.

There was another guy that I went out with once, also in college, who, over dinner, told me that he thought I was really cute. But before I could get too puffed up, he added, “But you would really be a knockout if you were six inches taller and had blond hair and blue eyes.” (I’m a short brunette with brown eyes.) I was incredulous. I said, “You mean, if I were a completely different person?” It was, as you can imagine, a very short date.

My sister once went to dinner with a guy who said he had to be comfortable to eat and proceeded to sit with one foot tucked under him during the entire meal. Another guy she dated (once) carried a messenger bag full of condiments, more particularly–mustard. All kinds of mustard. After the waiter took their order, he carefully removed the condiments and lined them up on the table, said he couldn’t risk a restaurant not having the right ones. (Much is revealed when you break bread with someone.)

Another friend of mine was excited about dating a new guy, although she was a little surprised when he showed up that first night to pick her up and he had his dog with him. They went to a restaurant that had a patio where the dog could be tied up. She opted to think it was sweet. But when he showed up for the next date with his dog in tow, and the next, she started to become annoyed. She has cats and when he brought his dog over, the pets didn’t mesh. She wound up ending the relationship. She liked the guy, but couldn’t deal with his attachment to his dog!

And neurotic behavior isn’t limited to men: A guy friend of mine told me about a beautiful girl he and all of his friends were crazy for. When she agreed to go out with him, he thought he’d hit the jackpot. The night of their date, she opened the door, and he told her she looked great. She smirked and said, “Don’t I?” Her smugness killed his enthusiasm for getting to know her. He said as the night went on she was so insufferable, he got up in the middle of dinner, paid the bill, called her a cab, and left.

People harbor so many hang-ups, insecurities, idiosyncrasies, strange habits, and downright rude behavior, it’s a wonder anyone ever gets together! What about you–what was your worst date ever?

If I’m ever audited by the IRS, my butt is covered with a receipt for everything I’ve ever written off in the name of book research over the past several years, although I feel sorry in advance for any IRS agent who finds himself/herself in the position of interrogating me on said receipts. The interview would probably go something like this:

Agent: “Ms. Bond, can you explain this deduction of $69.95 for a Red Riding Hood outfit?”

Me: “Research. The setting for my Harlequin Blaze novel Two Sexy! was a costume shop. Red Riding Hood is still a favorite costume so it was kind of pricey, but you’ll be glad to know they threw in the tall boots for free.”

Agent: “$75 for a Make Your Own Dildo at Home Kit?”

Me: “What can I say? My husband is a trooper about hands-on research. In my Harlequin Blaze Cover Me, the heroine displayed her homemade dildo in her china cabinet. I’m a little more discreet.”

Agent: “How about this receipt for $55 for a manual and DVD on breeding stallions?”

Me: “In My Favorite Mistake, the hero was looking for a stallion to mate with his prize mare, and my heroine was the one showing him around the barns. As it turned out, the horses weren’t the only ones who had fun that day.”

Agent: “$85 for a pop-up tent?”

Me: “For my Harlequin Blaze Just Dare Me, I had to know if it was possible to have sex in one of those things. You can, by the way—cowgirl-style works best.”

Agent: “A receipt for $155 for a couple’s massage?”

Me: “That was for a scene in She Did a Bad, Bad Thing where the hero and heroine get a couple’s massage in the same room from masseuses of the opposite sex. (Except in my book, the masseuses were nude.) The research helped me to set the mood, and it must’ve worked because it was one of the most popular scenes in the book.”

Agent: “How do you explain $35 for zoo tickets? $20 for handcuffs? And $60 for a paragliding class?”

Me: “Watch and Learn, In a Bind, and No Peeking…, respectively, all books in the Sex for Beginners Blaze trilogy. Would you like an autographed set?”

Agent: “And this receipt for over $100 for books with titles like Venus in Furs, Fanny Hill, Lady Chatterley’s Lover, The Slave?”

Me: “Some of the best erotic literature ever written, and research for my upcoming Blaze novel Seduction by the Book in which women form an erotic book club, then use the lessons to seduce the men of their dreams. Eat your heart out, Oprah.”

Agent: “Okay, you’ve convinced me that these are all allowable deductions, Ms. Bond. Legitimate research for writing your sexy romantic comedies for Blaze. But be honest—do you really get paid to do this?”

Me: “Yes. Ain’t life grand?”