Writing sex often gets mistaken for writing love in a lot of articles and workshops — a love scene and a sex scene are not the same thing, though they can overlap, obviously. Love scenes imply a certain emotional commitment has been made, and I think people tend to see the love scene as more acceptable than the sex scene for that reason. For those of us who write erotic romance, we often write sex that happens before love. While the we know these two characters are meant to be together, and that they will have their HEA, they will fall into bed (or into a closet or onto a table, or whatever)–a lot–before they fall in love.
Writing good sex isn’t easy, and it intimidates a lot of new writers. I assume we all know the sex should be relevant to the story–and that there should BE a story–and the plot, so what I am talking about here, is how to best approach the actual writing of sex itself (just to be clear). So I thought I would see what advice was out there for writing sex.
One of the most available and reproduced articles I found was this one, by Steve Almond, who offers 12 “rules” for writing sex. I liked all of them except rules 6 and 9, which I didn’t agree with at all. People’s sexual experience is wide and varied — we simply can’t make these assumptions about how fast climax happens, or slow, or if it happens at all. And we should consider all three scenarios when we’re writing sex.
I also disagree with him on not “using the rude words” — and in fact, I don’t find sexual words rude. I like to use all the words at my disposal, and many times my characters like using them, too. And maybe his characters would never talk to each other during sex, or announce their pleasure, what they like, or what they want, but that doesn’t mean that’s a general rule. Lots of people love dirty talk — it’s the basis of an entire phone sex industry, right?
Another resource is an entire book on the subject, Elizabeth Benedict’s The Joy of Writing Sex, and it gets some good reviews online, though I haven’t read it, but it looks like it might be a good resource for those looking for advice on writing sex. If anyone has read it, please let us know what you think.
This is also a fun discussion, if you have time to read through it.
I’ve always thought that the key thing to keep in mind if you are writing sex is that everyone’s sexual experiences are different, and in that difference, you have a broad range of what can happen. No two people ever have sex or think about sex in the same way, and that gives writers a lot to work with. There are no limits — almost.
Here is my own list of tips for writing sex:
1) Beware of the “ick factor.” In general, you can assume anything dangerous, violent, insulting or demented, anything which would make most reasonable, open-minded people back away, will qualify as “ick.”
2) Beware of being too tame. Keeping the “ick” factor in mind, don’t be afraid of the kink, and use whatever words you need to make it happen.
3) Make sure the sex in your book is true to the character having it, as you have described them. If they are experienced or a virgin, or have various kinds of backstories, make sure the sex is consistent.
4) Beware of falling into a rut. Characters in different books should have their own sex lives, not the same sex as characters in the last three books. What do these people like? what makes them unique?
5) Switch it up. Use different locations, positions, toys, kinds of sex, etc. Have your characters explore and surprise each other. If you don’t know about something, do your research. (Online, or otherwise, it’s up to you).
6) Have fun! Don’t be afraid of the humorous, awkward, or sticky moment in a book. On this note, make sure your logistics work, be clear in your physical descriptions, i.e., This Side Up, etc. 
7) Don’t make a public service announcement out of your sex scene. i.e., birth control, STDs. Smart characters will act responsibly, and should, but there are a lot of ways to work around this without dampening passion or spontaneity.
8 ) Be clear on what the sex is about. Even if it’s not about love, be aware what emotions are in play. For more on this, I wrote this blog on Sexual Motivation that people seemed to like.
9) Remember (and this comes in handy when people mistake your characters’ sex lives for YOURS), This is about your characters, not you. Once an editor wrote me a line edit “Is this really sexy?” I thought about it, and could only say, “It is for her.” To me, the heroine was clearly enjoying herself. Readers seemed to agree. 
10) What do you find sexy? If you can communicate that, it will probably be sexy for your readers, too. Likewise, don’t write anything you are uncomfortable with, because once it’s on that page, it’s there for good.
So what would you add to the list, as a reader or writer? What makes the sex really great to read, and to write? What have been some of your favorite sexual moments in books? Share your ideas, thoughts, and I’ll send out a book to two lucky winners at the end of the day.
Oh, and if haven’t already, you’ll want to enter our on-line drawing for a decadent Greek Pastry Sampler from Tarpon Spring’s Grecian Village. It includes 2 pieces each of baklava, kataifi, flogeras, kourambiedes, melemakarona, and 1 saraigli. How awesome does that sound? Go to http://www.toricarrington.net to enter now. We’ll contact the winner for additional info on December 1st.
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