Writing sex often gets mistaken for writing love in a lot of articles and workshops — a love scene and a sex scene are not the same thing, though they can overlap, obviously. Love scenes imply a certain emotional commitment has been made, and I think people tend to see the love scene as more acceptable than the sex scene for that reason. For those of us who write erotic romance, we often write sex that happens before love. While the we know these two characters are meant to be together, and that they will have their HEA, they will fall into bed (or into a closet or onto a table, or whatever)–a lot–before they fall in love.

Writing good sex isn’t easy, and it intimidates a lot of new writers. I assume we all know the sex should be relevant to the story–and that there should BE a story–and the plot, so what I am talking about here, is how to best approach the actual writing of sex itself (just to be clear). So I thought I would see what advice was out there for writing sex.

One of the most available and reproduced articles I found was this one, by Steve Almond, who offers 12 “rules” for writing sex. I liked all of them except rules 6 and 9, which I didn’t agree with at all. People’s sexual experience is wide and varied — we simply can’t make these assumptions about how fast climax happens, or slow, or if it happens at all. And we should consider all three scenarios when we’re writing sex.

I also disagree with him on not “using the rude words” — and in fact, I don’t find sexual words rude. I like to use all the words at my disposal, and many times my characters like using them, too. And maybe his characters would never talk to each other during sex, or announce their pleasure, what they like, or what they want, but that doesn’t mean that’s a general rule. Lots of people love dirty talk — it’s the basis of an entire phone sex industry, right?

Another resource is an entire book on the subject, Elizabeth Benedict’s The Joy of Writing Sex, and it gets some good reviews online, though I haven’t read it, but it looks like it might be a good resource for those looking for advice on writing sex. If anyone has read it, please let us know what you think.

This is also a fun discussion, if you have time to read through it.

I’ve always thought that the key thing to keep in mind if you are writing sex is that everyone’s sexual experiences are different, and in that difference, you have a broad range of what can happen. No two people ever have sex or think about sex in the same way, and that gives writers a lot to work with. There are no limits — almost.

Here is my own list of tips for writing sex:

1) Beware of the “ick factor.” In general, you can assume anything dangerous, violent, insulting or demented, anything which would make most reasonable, open-minded people back away, will qualify as “ick.”

2) Beware of being too tame. Keeping the “ick” factor in mind, don’t be afraid of the kink, and use whatever words you need to make it happen.

3) Make sure the sex in your book is true to the character having it, as you have described them. If they are experienced or a virgin, or have various kinds of backstories, make sure the sex is consistent.

4) Beware of falling into a rut. Characters in different books should have their own sex lives, not the same sex as characters in the last three books. What do these people like? what makes them unique?

5) Switch it up. Use different locations, positions, toys, kinds of sex, etc. Have your characters explore and surprise each other. If you don’t know about something, do your research. (Online, or otherwise, it’s up to you).

6) Have fun! Don’t be afraid of the humorous, awkward, or sticky moment in a book. On this note, make sure your logistics work, be clear in your physical descriptions, i.e., This Side Up, etc.

7) Don’t make a public service announcement out of your sex scene. i.e., birth control, STDs. Smart characters will act responsibly, and should, but there are a lot of ways to work around this without dampening passion or spontaneity.

8 ) Be clear on what the sex is about. Even if it’s not about love, be aware what emotions are in play. For more on this, I wrote this blog on Sexual Motivation that people seemed to like.

9) Remember (and this comes in handy when people mistake your characters’ sex lives for YOURS), This is about your characters, not you. Once an editor wrote me a line edit “Is this really sexy?” I thought about it, and could only say, “It is for her.” To me, the heroine was clearly enjoying herself. Readers seemed to agree.

10) What do you find sexy? If you can communicate that, it will probably be sexy for your readers, too. Likewise, don’t write anything you are uncomfortable with, because once it’s on that page, it’s there for good.

So what would you add to the list, as a reader or writer? What makes the sex really great to read, and to write? What have been some of your favorite sexual moments in books? Share your ideas, thoughts, and I’ll send out a book to two lucky winners at the end of the day.

1) We can never say “Not tonight honey, I have a headache.”

There comes a time in every romance writer’s life when she doesn’t feel like writing a love scene. Maybe her kids are ill and writing a love scene is the last thing on her mind. Or maybe she just had a fight with her significant other and there’s a bit of anger projected onto her fictional hero. But when you’re a Blaze author, writing a fade-to-black love scene simply isn’t an option. You’ve got to be ready to sizzle at all times.

2) We’re the resident sex experts.

Now at first, this is kind of fun. When you become a Blaze author, your friends and family all try to hide their surprise that you write “those books”—the ones with the sexy-as-hell covers your mother doesn’t admit she’s ever read. But eventually, being the local sexpert will land you in embarrassing situations. Your newspaper boy winks at you even though he’s barely reached puberty. Your neighbor reveals an acrobatic event in her bedroom the night before and offers more details in case you’d like some ideas for your next book. Men older than your father will guffaw with lecherous glee to learn what you write and ask if you want any pointers. Umm… no.

3) We’re the bad girls.

While the men in a Blaze author’s life are busy suggesting they’d be happy to supply inspiration for future projects, there is another population of friends and family who can be less enthusiastic. Non-romance reading buds steer their impressionable children away from our bookcases full of splashy covers. Quasi-helpful siblings read our books while hiding them behind copies of National Geographic. A few utterly non-helpful friends hide our autographed labors of love all together, unwilling to admit they like racy romance.

Still, I wouldn’t trade being a Blaze author for the world. A Psychology Today study assures us that readers of romance make love with their partners 74% more often than non-romance readers. So I’d like to think I’ve had a hand in making the world a happier place through my stories. And maybe I’m deluding myself, but I hope even those friends who are hiding my book covers are kicking their love lives up a notch the night after a sexy Blaze read.

So razz me all you want. Any way you look at it… you’re welcome.

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Whether you’re a reader or a writer of hot romance, I’ll bet there are people in your life who give you a hard time about liking “those books.” What’s your response?